Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Before you Begin Blogscrews, i've no idea how legit this is, but it's a fantastic read if you take it as real, so try to.

Possibly the best letter ever to come out of the Inland Revenue....Taken
from the Guardian, this is apparently an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue:

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply
to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you
raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging
letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand".
This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy,
traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of
crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to
the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the
other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their
being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and puissant
gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the
toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common
with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters
do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".
More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a
responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point, whilst there may be some spirit of truth in
your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted,
toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary
calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any
way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The
estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied
by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark.
Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish
lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted
for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking fa├žade of a university
system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do
with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with
nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even
if the Personal allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical
logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way
wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out
that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and
live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please send it to us by
Friday.

Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations

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